I don't want anybody to read this long ranty post but I don't want to save it as a draft either cause suppressing your feelings sucks. This shall stay.

I've never felt like this before. I've always whined about being alone but this time it translates to a different feeling altogether. I don't feel like whining. I don't feel like speaking. I don't know how to feel. I want to cut my heart open and show it to someone, my brain, whatever. I really wish someone would understand me without having to speak. Everything I say turns out wrong.

I feel really empty today. But not sad. I'd usually feel extremely sad and emo and find someone to whine to when I feel lonely but I didn't. I've never really been this lonely before, but I don't FEEL sad like I did. Maybe I'm just used to it. It's been a month anyway. I don't know what to feel. I guess that's the feeling you get when you keep things to yourself. I didn't know who to turn to, without worrying about being a nuisance to them. I hate that feeling. Hate.

I messaged some friends to fill that gap but it doesn't make things better when you realise you're on the bus alone, they're not around you and probably with their own friends, and you're probably not needed by anybody at all. Worst of all, there are people you can't talk to because you've built that wall in the past. Just what on earth is forgiveness and karma? and trust? and love? there's no such thing as forever. It doesn't exist.

I want to do something for someone, without them suspecting if I'm doing it just to feel less lonely. Does forgiveness exist? They wouldn't believe me even if I told them I didn't feel that way. Or maybe I don't even understand myself. I don't understand myself.


I feel like I've switched place with some people. I feel segregated from the rest of the world. I don't like talking to people anymore. It tires me alot. I'm getting too used to staying at home, being alone and enjoying it. And that becomes clearer when you go back to the society and realise your absence doesn't make a difference to anybody's life.

I feel like I don't belong with them anymore. It gets worse when you watch dramas of groups of friends being together, and words like "It's okay if nobody believes you, as long as there's one person who does". I wonder if there's anybody? Not just anybody who cares about me, I know there are, but somebody who sees me as a best friend and vice versa. Even as I'm typing this, I'm afraid it'd be viewed as "just whining". I want to move to a new place. I want to move to a new environment and start all over again.


I'm no longer afraid of reaching out to people first. But I might just retreat back to that shell again. Perhaps it's still a better thing to lock yourself at home. You won't see anybody. No expression from people that will affect you, no jealousy from looking at others laugh and play while you sit and try to mix in. But you never will. It's tiring to always be the one being left out. It's been like that since young. Am I that strange?

I don't know what to feel. Why am I not sad at a time where I should have the most right to be upset? Feels like I'm going to erupt someday. I'm afraid I'll spew everything out once there's someone who'll let me open up. I'm afraid I'll start whining. People hate that.

I haven't been blogging lately, suddenly afraid of people getting offended by what I say. Wondering if what I'm saying is right afterall. I guess there are certain points of view that people don't accept, and certain personalities people won't accept. I wonder if I've reached breaking point? No.



For the first time, I don't feel a need for anybody to read this. I just need a space. and saving it as a draft makes me feel like I'm suppressing my feelings and I know I'll erupt if I do that.

Something else scares me. I don't want next year to come. I don't know if I should take private or choose to retain. I hate being in school. It amplifies the feeling of loneliness by a million times. I hate being in school, I hate seeing people together. I hate the feeling of jealousy. I hate it when I get affected by people so easily. I hate it all. But I know I'll hate being alone at home in time to come. Knowing you're really just going through everything alone, again.

I can't go on like this forever, even if I tell myself it's okay.


I've been oddly optimistic despite all these. I keep telling myself "it's okay", "it's just a phase". I really hope it is. I believe so.